


Light Them Up Pretty, Leave the Dark

by delible_ink



Series: Heal and Slow [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Team as Family, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 14:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20565521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delible_ink/pseuds/delible_ink
Summary: After closing the gate under Ausarius, Caleb wants to make sure Caduceus is alright. Caduceus is more concerned about Caleb. Tea ensues.





	Light Them Up Pretty, Leave the Dark

Ausarius was not the kind of place a human would be glad to see, except right now. Right now it was the most beautiful place Caleb had ever seen in his life. Climbing out of the well to see daylight again was glorious. 

Caduceus lifted his face to the sun “Thank you, Wildmother. I never thought I’d see this again.”

Caleb felt his stomach twist. The thought of Caduceus’ lifeless body lying on the ground was too fresh. He had not been ready for another loss like that, and he knew that he was in part to blame for it.

For his part, Caduceus kept casting glances at Caleb throughout the afternoon, as if he could see by looking how Caleb was handling the fallout of the charm spell cast on him yesterday. Though he had been careful not to bring up that night in the cavern, Caduceus was ready to do whatever he could to help Caleb carry the burdens he dragged around in his heart. Of course, Caleb showed no signs of being out of sorts.  _ He will push that aside for as long as he can, at least until he is by himself.  _ Cad thought.

When Beau and Jester skipped off to investigate a home bearing the symbol of the Traveler, Caduceus found an opportunity to talk with Caleb. He made an excuse about needing a rest and a good cup of tea, and suggested Caleb come with him. Caleb agreed more quickly than usual, leaving Fjord, Yasha and Nott to handle things with Lady Olios.

On a quiet patch of earth just outside of the city proper, Caduceus set up his tea, creating water in his hands to fill the pot. Caleb lit a fire for him.

“Thank you, Mr. Caleb. I wasn’t going to ask, considering...” He looked askance. He wasn’t sure how to bring this up, or if he even should.

“It’s alright, Caduceus. I don’t mind. I like...I like when it can be helpful instead of,well, not.” he fell silent and looked out over the scraggy landscape. He wasn’t ready to speak directly about what happened in the well, but he thought on it while Caduceus busied himself with their tea

What disturbed him most was her words. 

_ Light them up pretty. _

It reminded him of another time, another fire.

_ It was winter in the Zemni fields, silent snow fell, muting all other sound. The oven burned on cheerfully as Mama prepared the morning’s bread, but the main room fire had gone out.  _

_ Bren crept from his bed, and seeing the state of the fire, brimmed with joy. He could show her! He would show her today! Hastily he put logs on the ashes, and padded into the kitchen, peeking over the tall counter.  _

_ “Mama, are you tired? Will you come sit with me by the fire?” _

_ His mother turned to him with kind eyes. Her flame-haired boy would do anything to see her content and comfortable. Putting the dough aside to prove, she wiped her hands on her apron and guided him to her chair.  _

_ “Only for a short while, dear one. We have work to do before Papa gets back. He will be cold and we will need to warm him up.” _

_ “Do we have time for a story?” _

_ “A little one.” _

_ As she situated herself in the chair, she noticed the missing piece. “Oh, little love. Our fire has gone out.”  _ _   
_ _ Mama moved to light it, but Bren rushed to the fireplace first. Winding up his fist, he flung his hand forward. A small, candle-sized flame bounced from his hand and caught the cooling embers. In seconds, the logs began to light. Bren beamed with pride. _

_ “Oh--my Bren! Bren, when did you learn to do this?” _

_ Delighted, she was on the floor kneeling beside him, hugging her beautiful boy.  _

_ “I just felt like I  _ could _ , like the fire was just waiting in my hands, and yesterday, I tried to make it light, and I did. I can help you in the kitchen now, and you won’t have to crawl down if the oven goes out.” _

_ Mama’s eyes filled with tears and she kissed his hair. _

_ “That’s wonderful, Bren. You will do great things with this, much greater than starting cooking fires. Look, Bren.  _ _   
_ _ Look how pretty it lights…” _

“Mr. Caleb?” 

Caduceus nudged his hand again with the teacup.

“Oh, Caduceus, I am sorry. I was somewhere else.  _ Danke,” _ he took the cup with both hands and inhaled deeply. “ _ Pfefferminze _ ! Peppermint.” The scent was familiar and cheering. There was gladness in his voice. “We used to grow this in my home as a child. It is one of my favorites.”

“Really? It’s one of mine too. It always makes me feel clean afterwards. Refreshing after being trapped underground for so long.” Caduceus looked off in the distance.

“It...felt much longer than it was, I think.” Caleb spoke softly, and sipped at his tea trying to choose his words carefully. He felt he owed Caduceus for what he did in the cavern, weeks ago now. He knew Cad wouldn’t see it that way, but he still wanted to show him that it mattered, nonetheless.

“Have you ever, ah, fallen, before?” Caleb wasn’t sure how to say it.

“Died? No. Before I met you all I only laid them to rest. I was never in a situation to become one of them.”

“How did it, that is, are you, how are you?” Caleb drained his small teacup before he could let more foolishness drip out of his mouth. He was pointedly not looking at his friend, but seated near enough that he felt he was communicating care.

“I imagine better than you. Death has always been a part of my life. It is as natural as anything. From my experience, it’s always harder on the people left behind.”

Caleb spun his teacup in his hands, tracing the delicate pattern on the porcelain. “I am glad Jester was there.” His eyes flicked up to Caduceus before darting back to his cup. “I, I was not ready to be left behind.”  _ again. _

“Mr. Caleb, may I touch you?”

“ _ Vas _ ? Oh, erm, ja? Yes.”

Caduceus put his hand on Caleb’s shoulder, and Caleb was surprised to find himself leaning into the steadying weight. “I told you that you wouldn’t be alone again. I meant it.”

“There are some things you cannot stop, Caduceus. Sometimes other people make choices that will cut you short of doing...what you say you will do. I, I am sorry.” His eyes misted, and speaking became difficult, but he held his composure. He would not cry again. Caduceus had seen him cry enough. “I almost took you away from all of us.”

Cad’s voice turned alarmingly firm: “Caleb, my death was not your fault.” He squeezed his shoulder in a bracing motion. “Do not add me to the list you keep of your wrongs.”

Caleb stilled, taken aback by the sudden change in Caduceus’ tone. 

Caduceus gently trailed his hand over Caleb’s shoulders in soothing patterns. “I’m sorry. It’s just, I have seen you carry so much. I don’t ever want to add to that, Mr. Caleb. Actually, I was hoping you would tell me how  _ you _ were doing. It seemed...It seemed like what that succubus did to you might have...brought up some stuff. We don’t have to talk about it, but I want you to know that we can. If you want to.”

“You are very kind to me Caduceus.” Caleb thought about the feeling of being outside of himself. Having his spells used against the people he cared about. The fear that he would do it again--kill the people he cared for most in the world. He decided to try to trust Caduceus. He could never know when he’d lose the chance to do so for good. He was starkly reminded of that yesterday. He may as well take the chance.

“It never stops hurting. I never stop feeling afraid that it will happen again. There’s so much I cannot control, so much control that can be taken away.”

“Can I ask you about...about something you said, about Bren?”

Caleb shrunk a little, but nodded. “Okay.”

“You said Bren killed people. People you loved? Were you in control when that happened?” Caduceus was scared of asking these questions, of making things worse, but he wanted to understand. If he understood, maybe he could help.

Caleb thought about it for a moment. “Yes, they were people I loved. I was in control. And I was not. I thought I was but my...my mind did not belong to me. They had...they had put things there. Things that I thought were real, that were not.” As he thought about it, it was eerily similar to how the succubus charmed him: friends were enemies and enemies were friends.

Caduceus continued the gentle pressure on Caleb’s back. “You are in control of yourself now, Mr. Caleb. Despite what happened underground, and what happened in..in the academy, that’s not your life anymore. I think you are worth trusting. I don’t believe you will hurt the people you love. Your mind belongs to you now. Maybe in time, you’ll see that you are worth trusting too.”

Caleb whispered in disbelief “How can you say that? I attacked you less than a day ago. How can you trust me?”

“Because I knew it was not you. Each of us knew that. No one is angry with you, or afraid of you for what happened down there. That could have happened to any of us, and it has before. We know who you really are. The person you really are would never hurt us. You are not what other people have done to you, Caleb. You are so much more.

...I just, I just wanted to make sure you knew that. That you heard it from someone who cares about you.”

Caleb was silent. That was a lot to process. Caduceus reached for the teapot and refilled Caleb’s cup and his own, not breaking the contact of his hand between Caleb’s shoulders. Caleb was surprised to find that touch made it easier for him to sit with Caduceus’ words. 

He took a drink, and a huff of laughter escaped his lips. “I came out here with you because I thought I could help you. You always end up helping me…”

Caduceus fixed Caleb with a strikingly vulnerable look.

“Caleb? Before I died, I was afraid. I was afraid of being alone. For good. Even with everything I know, everything my life has been about, all of my days in Melora’s service, I was still afraid. Right now, I am very grateful to you. You have been afraid of being alone, and now I have someone to share that experience with. You understand, and you’re here, having tea. I’m not alone. I’m not dead in a well full of demons. I am here with my friend, doing one of my favorite things. You have helped me tremendously.”

Caleb felt warmth flood his chest. He leaned into Caduceus for just a moment, just long enough to let him know he meant it. “You are not alone, Cad, and my life is much, much better for it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Realized I couldn't finish chapter 6 of Forests, Fires without mapping this conversation. So, here's my last planned prequel for the series. (I'm open to requests.)
> 
> Also, sorry I have to write heartbreaking scenes with Caleb's loving and supportive family. It just hurts so GOOD!


End file.
